Living in Fear

Well, I am pretty sure that the date was June 28, 2008. Dan and I went to our church to help with distributing beach balls with our VBS information written on it to local pools and parks in order to invite children to attend our VBS. We almost didn't go because the weather was bad and we knew that it was likely going to get cancelled, BUT decided to show up to show our support and find out when it would be rescheduled for. We did not realize that our lives would be forever changed.

As I said, the weather was bad, so no one but us and Stephen and Regina showed up. We had met them, but had never really talked with them, but through our conversation we learned that their niece had delivered twins in April and that they were going to be "foster parenting" them and would we be interested in adopting them when the time came. We literally left that discussion dumbfounded, confused, and very excited.

From there, it's all really a blur. If I was any good at journaling, I would have been documenting all of the details...but I didn't. I know there were a few conversations like "So you want me to babysit?"..."Well, yes, but we want you to take the kids permanently". "So, you need some help while you're at work?"..."Well, yes, but we are hoping that their parents give up their rights so you can adopt them" It took me a while to really let it sink in that these people just might have some kind of weird line to God and this might be our prayers answered.

So, we get through VBS, and on Monday night after VBS was over, Regina calls and says "the babies are here...they dropped them off tonight" THEN it's really a blur. I am pretty sure that the very next day I started "babysitting" them. First it was over at their house. The kids were on monitors to track their breathing and heartbeats, Amy was on oxygen. Transferring all of their equipment back and forth would have been such a pain in the butt. After about a month-6 weeks of taking care of them over there, we started bringing them to our house.

At the beginning, it was kind of easy. They slept a lot (A LOT) and only ate a little. Amy threw up a lot, Daniel has always been sweet and patient. I was able to get a good bit of housework done while they slept. Yeah, that's kind of over now. They're awake a lot more, and just not very content being on their own for too long before I have to serve them again. The house stays cluttered and my hair is getting thinner, but it's so wonderful.

I just look forward to the day when they are here permanently. And I can officially call them my
son and daughter, and don't feel weird to refer to myself as mommy...but we don't know when that day will come, or IF that day will come...and that's where the fear sets in.

I have no clue how to picture my life without them in it, and there's this possibility that it could come to an end. I have no idea how I will breathe if I have to watch them walk away for a last time, but it's something I have to consider could happen. I have no idea how to just sit back and let God have ALL of the control and surrender the total outcome to Him. I so badly want to be in control of how this is all going to happen, but I have no voice, no control at all....all I can do is sit and watch.

I get so frustrated sometimes because Amy is such a needy little princess. She cries and cries and cries and I can't do anything to appease her. And I start to feel anger towards this precious baby and I feel some of the ghosts of my past, and how quickly my mom would strike us if we made her mad...and I fear that I will have that same urge as they grow. I don't feel like I was abused, but mom's fuse was pretty short...the stress gets to me fast.

So, the fear is two-fold...I fear not having them permanently in my life, and I fear what kind of mom I'm going to be. I fear losing my future. I fear having to call my family and telling them that it's over. I fear losing my cool too often. I fear making my husband crazy with my stress level and my quickness to yell at him. I fear that God really knows all the junk in my life and decides that this is not something I deserve and it all goes away.

I see God working in such a mighty way...all the way back to the rainy day in June that allowed us to talk to Regina and Stephen without distraction of other people there. I know that He really wants what's best for us, what's best for the Rockeys, what's best for those precious babies sleeping in there right now. I know that He created the whole universe and everything in it, and if He can take care of that in such grand fashion then he can certainly take care of this whole situation too. But, I'm scared. And I'm in love with these little bitty humans. And I can't bear to see it end.

For now, I'll just keep praying and trusting and hoping and loving them with everything I've got.